Why Expectations Lead to Disappointment And What To Do Instead.
If the scientists are correct, we complain every 11 seconds.
I’m about to share something powerful with you.
Highly transformative for your relationships at work and in other areas of life.
I: We default to expectations. And they are not serving us.
Usually, we have expectations. A lot. We tend to default to them.
Our expectations usually lead to disappointment.
Best-case scenario: You're focused on your expectations and others meet them, but that's all they do. The best-case scenario is "just ok". It's not excellent. For this scenario, people must be aware of their expectations and be ok with living up to them or fulfilling them.
More likely scenario: You're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Why? High expectations can morph into frustration, anger, judgment, blaming, and other negative communication. It creates a cycle of disappointment and a need for control. Because there is a dynamic in place, and you are co-creating this dynamic. So you can also take responsibility and ownership for it. Create instead of reacting.
Here is a different perspective: How do you feel about living up to someone else's expectations? Is it what you look forward to each day? This cycle is problematic. Nobody is motivated to do that.
Even if you keep your mouth shut and your complaints for yourself: people sense judgment and disappointment. It will leak into your voice, your body language, and your actions. People will feel controlled and start defending themselves. Their focus, energy, and creativity will be spent on protecting themselves, instead of creating something truly valuable and remarkable - for your organization, relationships, or life.
II: A Better Alternative
There's a better way. It is applicable in business, leadership, and other areas of life:
Drumroll ...
Agreements.
To agree on something - mutually.
Coaches, use it all the time with our clients. And it's a game changer.
If you are protesting: "But I am the boss, I have to decide!". Sure, I agree, you're the boss. And you know that you can not fire everyone. Even if you switch 90% to AI, you will have some people to do stuff you're not great at. And if you are a business of one, you are working with other people. In the end, it is all about relationships. And agreements are great for relationships. Because if something is not working out yet, you can always create an agreement instead of taking it personally.
III: Three Keys for Effective Agreements
There are three secrets about agreements:
1. Real buy-in is crucial. You can't force an agreement, a commitment, or a "YES" to something. It must be a genuine “Yes”, otherwise it's a "No".
2. Start with mutual acceptance. No one needs fixing. You are fine as you are, and so are other people around you (unless proven otherwise, and those cases are statistically rare).
3. Be a model of commitment. Act on your word - this is crucial for trust. And communicate openly if challenges arise and you can no longer keep your promises. For many leaders and business owners, it's a total game changer. Try it out.
What if an agreement fails?
Stay composed and collaboratively work towards a better agreement. This approach separates the person from the problem, eliminating the drama.
Five Tips:
Agree on how to uphold, and keep agreements. Agree on what to do when your agreements don’t work, how you hold each other accountable, and how you prefer to communicate with each other.
Make agreements clear and explicit. Don’t assume understanding. Write things down. Talk slowly. Visualise.
Transform complaints into agreements as well.
Assume that people are doing their best. Assume a good reason for the behavior. Be open and curious. Listen.
Take responsibility and give trust. Not vice versa.
“Responsibility can not be given, it can only be taken. Trust can only be given, it can't be taken or demanded.” — Joseph Perline
My invitation for you is to take responsibility and create some agreements instead of complaining. It works. Just go, try it out, and have fun with it.
If you have any questions, get in touch.
Acknowledgements:
Photo by Nsey Benajah, Unsplash.
This article is heavily inspired by Steve Chandler.