The Power Of Listening

I had a coaching & mentoring conversation with a leader about the power of listening recently. it inspired me to write this article.

What percentage of the time are you actually listening?
For example, with your partner, friend, or with your direct reports in a one-on-one conversation. Is it even a conversation or a monologue? How about setting a timer for at least 50% of the scheduled duration and providing the person a space? You keep quiet until you hear the timer.

It is not enough to just shut up and let the other person speak, although it’s quite useful. There is a big difference when you are really there, with your full attention and presence. And the quality of that presence matters - a lot.

Are you listening just with your brain and ears?
Are you paying attention to the whole person and keeping part of it to yourself? Some people say that they are listening with their heart, with their gut, with their whole being, and with unconditional love. Unconditional means you don’t expect anything. You accept the person in front of you - as is.

Are you listening for agreement or insight?

If you are listening to agree vs. disagree, you are doing it in a conventional way, like everybody else. There is nothing special about it. Chances are that you are not really listening, but waiting to share what you agree or disagree about and then to share some more. In this case, you are not really listening.

If you are listening for insight, you are open and curious. And willing to listen some more. It will impact and improve your listening exponentially.

Are you listening for brilliance or weakness?
This makes a huge difference. Try it out! If you focus on brilliance, chances are that you will acknowledge that. By acknowledging you will amplify the brilliance, the strengths, and the power of the person. Because most of us are living underappreciated, undervalued, unseen. By focusing only on weaknesses you will amplify those. And by default, we are focusing only on weaknesses, on what is lacking, this is how we are conditioned. It is a learned way of thinking. And that’s good news! Because it also means that it can be unlearned and upgraded with something more useful. Ultimately, It’s your choice.

Be able to see the person bigger than they are. Look for the potential. Offer to support them, let them shine, and let them be awesome. You will be amazed at what difference that will make.

Are you open or holding back and avoiding being direct?

If so, you are not being fully honest with this person. And this strategy rarely creates great results, especially in the long run. Are you pleasing, performing, and perfecting?

Besides what you are saying, it is crucial to who you are at this moment. What are you aiming for? E.g. are you making your life easier, listening to your ego, or instead aiming for something potentially useful for another person and your relationship?

It is more about your attitude, your energy, your inner world, and your state of being. You can be very direct and extremely kind. People will not feel offended, because you are not trying to fix them! More on that later.

Are you too direct?

You can simply ask the person in front of you about their preference.

Are you listening to believe, to respond, or to understand?
Try listening to understand and tap into your natural curiosity. Ask more open-ended questions. Encourage them to tell you more. As opposed to just wait when it’s your turn to talk.

Are you focusing on being interestING or being interesTED?

If you are trying to be interesting, chances are that you will create the opposite. Here is a paradox: When you are truly interested, you are interesting to other people.

Are you listening and thinking about what to say next?
Just notice it happening, let it go, and switch your attention back to the person in front of you. (1)

Are you trying to correct, fix, or change the person?

Stop trying to correct, change, fix, heal, or make the person “whole”. Unless you are a therapist, a counselor, or a doctor and have a clear mandate to do so, it can be a huge waste of your energy. Because people will sense it and will - most probably - defend themselves. You will feel the resistance. In my opinion, people can only change themselves, if they want to. We all have free will. We should respect that. If we don’t its an act of violence.

Are you respecting the reality and the world of the other person?
Yes, everyone has their reality and their world. When you are dealing and talking to this person, you are entering their world. Are you even interested to learn about that world? Are you trying to put your picture of the world like a condom on this person? This is also an act of violence. And chances are that people will either ignore it (best case) or will try to protect themselves.

There is no substitute or shortcut to actually care.

Do you care about the person or just acting as if?
If you don’t, they will sense it. And the trust will be destroyed.

Let me share a story with you about a senior leader. One day we were standing at the coffee machine in the office. And he asked me about one of the team members:

“Is he married? Does he have any kids?”

This leader is been working for several years with this team, including this team member. This was the only team the leader was responsible for. They had several meetings together every week. And monthly team events. He talked to that guy almost every day!

The team was not huge, less than 12 people. Even if they are not your direct reports and there is a layer between, a person who cares would know that stuff. Or at least keep a secret file with a strong password with this information, and look inside from time to time, to make it easier and rely less on the memory (if the memory is an issue).

This absence of care showed up in his communication with that guy and their relationship.

Bottom line: you can not fake “caring” ‘till you make it. There is no substitute or shortcut to actually care. And the best time to do it is now.

Are you worrying about coming across in a certain way or allowing yourself to be authentic and vulnerable?

Are you trying to impress or just letting yourself be? This is about self-acceptance and the never-ending discovery of who you are, and about vulnerability.

Vulnerability puts you on the eye level with this person. It can be as simple as admitting that you don’t know something, that you don’t know what to say that will sound appropriate, and being open about your own “quirks”, and “failures” that make us human in the first place. Vulnerability creates trust. And trust is everything in relationships.

What is your basic assumption when listening?
Is it something like “I don’t trust anyone unless they prove otherwise”. Then you will probably listen, for things you don’t believe. And then it is easy to judge, blame and complain.

If your basic assumption is a sense of superiority, people will feel it.

A potentially useful basic assumption is: I am ok, as I am; and you are ok as you are. Another great one: Everyone is doing their best (and the best can vary over time). And another one: Probably there is a good reason for that.

Are you summarising, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions?
This is usually very helpful. Assuming that you are on the same page is a common trap and a bias. You can avoid it by checking your understanding.

Are you judging this person?
Catch yourself when you judge, e.g. use labels and thoughts such as “This is (your label of a choice for a person).” For example, “This is a very young person, what do they know about it…” You are not listening anymore. And this will affect your conversation. Even more, the person in front of you will sense it, because things like this leak, even if you have a perfect “poker face”.

Learn to catch yourself when you do this, and observe yourself - “Ok, I am labeling / judging again.” And then push your judgment aside, just for a moment. And focus on the person in front of you. (1)

Are you putting people in different categories?
E.g. departments, backgrounds, type of jobs, hierarchy levels - you’ve got the idea. Because most people are. This is how we are wired. At the same time, when we do this, we build walls around ourselves and separate ourselves from others. In the end, we are the ones who are feeling lonely and who suffer. It might create a barrier between you and the person you are talking to. The person who creates it is you. And other people will feel it. Instead, you might choose to see this person as a human being - like you and me. So, ask yourself, are you dividing or uniting? Great leaders unite.

Who are you in this conversation?
Are you angry? Offended? In rage? Or are you enthusiastic, kind, open-minded, empathetic, grateful, unconditionally loving? This is your choice too. Pick one or several ones that are serving you and other people the best at the moment. And make an effort to create it. Think about when you feel empathetic, maybe you have listened to a song, read a poem, or thought about a special person in your life. Some do sports.

The bottom line is being intentional about it. Don’t switch to autopilot, because autopilot is killing the relationships. Pay your attention to your energy, your way of being, and your inner world. Because the world around us is a mirror, a reflection of our inner world.

Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

What do you say?
Is it true? Is it necessary (or useful)? Is it kind?
If the answer is no, keep your mouth shut, or take it back.
It also works with your thoughts, just let this thought go.

Are you paying attention to what do you think?

Pay attention not only to what you say but also to your thinking. This is how you create your reality, your world, and how you see the world around you, including the person in front of you.

I could tell you countless things I love and admire about my wife and our relationship. How beautiful, loving, and patient she is. How wise. How amazing! I could go on and on for hours. Or I could choose to tell something different. Then, I will create something different.

So I invite you to pay attention to what you think, not only to what you say.

Next steps

Try it out in your next conversation. And let me know how it went.

Everything above is a practice and a discipline.

It’s not a “once and done” or an “easy fix”. It is more similar to going to the gym or doing anything sports-related: it takes effort and time. E.g. creating and maintaining a six-pack.

Here is a mantra that I have created a few days ago in one of my coaching sessions as a client:

Do The Reps, Build The Muscle

The good thing is, that you can not overdo it, compared to your physical workouts. I encourage you to build your emotional and mental six-pack. The payoff is immense!

(1) It’s also a little bit like meditation - that I encourage you to try out as well. And meditation is - if you are new to it - not what you think. Read the book 📕 “10 Percent Happier” by Don Harris.