Are you struggling to set boundaries?

Some of my clients struggle with it as well. And here is what I want to share with you.

You will get a feeling about what happens in a coaching session on boundaries. Of course, we are going to respect confidentiality and privacy.

Ready?

Here we go!

In my experience, some people don't have a clear understanding of what boundaries are.

Sometimes I share my understanding and ask what they think: To set a boundary is to inform, and also to be clear about the consequences if the person ignores your boundaries. And then it's about acting on it and being your word (many people have problems with it). Following through is sometimes challenging for people.

On a deeper level, there are often fears. E.g. a fear of coming across as too harsh, not kind, and egoistic. And fear of negative consequences. Or dreaming and wishing that the issue will dissolve itself, and magically disappear over time.

Some people are struggling with the idea that this is OK to set boundaries, have worthiness issues, or think they have to "please" others. Often we're talking about self-esteem and self-confidence. It is always about how we see ourselves, how we see the world around us (and how we create our world), and how we interact with the world.

It is always fascinating to look at what is going on in the inner world of a person. And how it shows in language, actions, relationships, and interactions. And what else can the person experiment with that can help them move forward?

I am also a big fan of the "expectation" vs "agreement" distinction (1). Because you can reach agreements on respecting boundaries, how it looks like, and how you will hold each other accountable. Instead of just silently expecting. Or complaining that the person is not living up to your expectations.

Agreements are great! Also because you are separating the person and the problem.

Here is an example of how to communicate your boundaries:
"I will not complete it unless I get more information."

Are you struggling with this as well? If so, let's talk.

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Foto by Matt Flores, unsplash

(1) the distinction was created by Steve Chandler. I can highly recommend his books.